Why I have been in hidingPosted: December 23, 2011
Hello dear readers! It has been awhile. I have to say I have been avoiding you. Please don’t take it personally though. It’s not because I don’t value every one of you. I do, and I love that my posts help many of you. My absence in the blogosphere as been because of my old friend, shame.
Starting back in late September, I started on a relapse with my weight loss. It started innocently enough with a drink here and a cookie there. Nothing I couldn’t control, right? I started to participate vigorously in after work happy hours, not to mention the taco bar lunch complete with another old friend, queso dip (and not the “healthy” version, but the nasty Velveeta and Hormel chili variety).
Gradually, my rabid cravings for carbs came back. It happened so slowly that I didn’t even realize it. I stopped my regular weigh ins–a sure sign that I knew in my heart something was not right. I stopped my monthly yoga membership. And eventually, I even stopped walking daily. And guess what? Ten pounds came back on in less than a month. And, voila, the shame came with it.
I was pretty devastated. All I could think was, “Here I go again! What is wrong with me that I can’t keep this weight off!” My mind searched for every possible explanation–the water at work could be killing my gut flora! Maybe I am going through early menopause! Maybe I am just not meant to be thin! Every explanation ran through my mind except for the one that made the most sense: I started introducing excess sugar and carbs into my diet, and my unstoppable cravings caused me to eat foods that I must avoid to lose and/or maintain my weight.
I didn’t want to face it. Instead, I wanted an easy answer. I wanted to believe that now that I had lost 90 pounds and was happy with my appearance and health, I could slack off where planning and food were concerned. I could ease up on this routine that had gotten me so far in my weight loss journey. So much for that.
Before things got too far out of control, and before more weight could come back on, I leaned on my support system. Her name is Anna, and she is my nutritionist. An hour spent with her brought me encouragement and support. I was reminded of those foods to avoid and those that would kick start my metabolism. I was also reminded that I need ongoing support to contend with a condition I will have all of my life.
I have lost three of those 10 pounds since my appointment with Anna two weeks ago. Most importantly I realized that I can do this for the long haul. Maybe I just needed a little break from wellness, and fitting into my jeans, to remind myself of just how awesome life can be when I am on track, eating protein, carbs, and fat IN BALANCE.